You, again.

Sometimes it’s easy to forget I am a living breathing human. 

Occasionally I feel like a pork chop in the butcher’s window, just waiting. 

Have I ever told you being single is harder at the weekend? 

Me saying “don’t get it on my face” made it instantly soft. 

I’m sorry if I should be less vocal with any complaints. I’ve never been an extra-marital fuck. 

My pleasure is often impeded by wondering what your kids look like, so please stop assuming I can come on demand.

Have I ever told you being single is like being trapped in a room with yourself? And there are no windows to gaze out of, only piles of dirty clothes and empty voids.

I want to get sucked into a portal, eat ice cream on the beach, and then go fuck something. 

It’s hard to stop wondering why you haven’t called.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll go throw myself off a bridge to check I’m still alive, if that’s not too dramatic for you.

Maybe you’ll stop being an arsehole and we can all move on.

Disappointment

I am on the train home and I haven’t even begun to think about how to tell my dad I had an existential crisis, quit my job and plan to coast around until I have only enough money to spoon beans into my arid mouth. 

Imagine telling god you wish not to exist.

Imagine meeting your maker.

Dad, I’ve lost my shit and I sort of don’t give a fuck either.

Don’t think about your daughter.

I am wearing a masculine shirt with socks and sandles and I am not giving a flying fish cake no matter how stupid that sounds.

I am thinking about you in a Canada Goose jacket and nothing else.

Where is my ability to think straight when your body is near mine and we are reaching for the kettle?

Is it possible for two people to make a cup of coffee together in exactly equal measure?

I am looking out the window at the rain and thinking about your wet-look hair.

I wish the last time we fucked we weren’t listening to Placebo. I wanted you to think about your hands around my throat instead of your seventeen year old daughter. That’s how hard becomes soft.

I am the wet flannel that slipped off your towel rack.

Together We Are Wider Than Anything.

We stood up and measured ourselves against everything we could find. We measured the tips of our fingers to the points of our elbows and compared them to the panels in the wooden doors, lining them up precisely; edging palms up, straightening each ulna. We took the edges of each eye and we spun and spun until we knew exactly how many Mississippi’s it took eye to eye around the backs of our living minds. How tall are you compared to this fern? Here, let me place your finger in the crack of the wooden floorboard. It’s but a fingernail wide; the baby, that is. Where is your nose in relation to this light switch? We compared ourselves to the world and this we did every Sunday; Our only way to distinguish between life and death.

Dirty, filthy.

I can’t come if you tell me to. Something about the words makes it filthy and I’m transported. Girls are flashing their assholes and biting their lips somewhere and I’m dry as a corpse now.

There was a time I wanted to have a baby with you until the assholes, and the lip biting, and the blowjob history, and the trust smashed in like a corner shop window, midwinter.

Don’t you know I’m not present. I’m no present for anyone. I’m a bored housewife without the house or the wife part. Waiting for the postman to ring the door bell and sort me out. Send in that long-awaited rush of blood. Give me a hit. Pull me apart, shine up the rust, and put me back together.

Story.

You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. It’s just so out of this world! It’s hard to bring myself to even say the words.

You beg me. You say please. Please tell me your story, you say. I won’t tell anyone. 

I can’t tell you! I say. I wouldn’t even be able to describe it right. It’s impossible! You couldn’t possibly understand, I say as I giggle.

Just try me, you beg. I can’t even imagine. It must be such a story!

It’s just so crazy, I’m not sure what to say. What a story it is. Such a burden to hold.

And it goes back and forth like this until one of us dies.

Every Day I Delete You

Read me a bedtime story

I know you do it well

It’s called practice.

Tell me I’m your baby

I’ll suck my thumb

I’ll call you daddy.

Take me

Take me

Take me over your lap

Use your hand.

I want you to fuck me.

I want to hear you tell your wife about me.

Where did you learn to be so sure?

You could sell salt back to the sea and it’d be happy.

Shh, don’t.

Don’t tell me again

You’re away home

Door open

Kisses on three foreheads

While I betray my best friend’s trust

and stray.

Dear heart, you are cold now.

Alone on the stairs and smoking

I think about your room and I picture your house

And I place my objects among your walls

And I tell you about my granny;

She’d be turning.

Your name rattles round my head on the regular

No-ah

No.

Ah.

I mouth the syllables in slow motion

And I pout my lips

And imagine them around your cock

And I see those soon-to-be-threaded eyebrows bobbing above my cunt in a house that’s not mine

And I worry.

A victory dance above the slow fade out,

My blue valentine.

Douse yourself in aftershave,

Mask the sex we just had

And then tell me about your wife again.

Tell me about feeling wanted

Not wanted

Tell me about how much you want me

Don’t want me, please.

I batten down the hatches

On my ruby red heart

As I wipe your come off my stomach

Watching it glisten and trickle

As I ache

As I tell myself to switch it off

As I tell myself to forget it all.

Return to the bedtime story baby

But skip to the bitter end.

Every day I delete you.